F******ness

This will be a short blog... 

 

                We all know this little 11 letter word that we love to force at others when we wrong them, hate to have it pointed at us when they wrong us, and hard to implicate when it concerns ourselves... FORGIVENESS.

 

Let me start by saying, I am the furthest thing from perfect and I mess up... A LOT! I don't have the best approach on things or the best timing when it comes down to it. I struggle as does everyone and can only do my best to keep my head above water.

 

I would like to apologize to anyone I have hurt or upset along the way. I may not apologize for what I said, but rather how I said it. Others, I apologize how I handled the situation entirely.

 

I will not force you to forgive me, but let me say this: I will forgive myself for what has happened and I will forgive you because I was not all at fault. Do not expect me to wallow around and beg for your forgiveness. Once I have done what God has commanded me to do, I am finished. God forgave me and that is the most important thing. If you are dumb enough to walk out of my life, I am smart enough to let you. 

 

                I love you all, but we must forgive as God forgave us: forgive ourselves and others, what they do beyond that is up to them and they will have to answer to God for their decisions.

A Letter to a Brave Man

So my friend Myra and I decided to write a letter to our future spouses which is exactly what I have planned to do.  This will have some serious moments but it will also have some funny moments too. So here goes:

Dear Future Husband/ Father of Our Children/ The Most Patient Man in the World,

                I know your response right now is one of two things: 1- Wow, she finally noticed I’m the one for her or 2- Sheesh! This crazy girl is already writing me a letter and she doesn’t even know me yet.

                Let me start by saying this, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a handful. I’m not perfect, nor am I the skinniest or the prettiest girl in the whole world… (Your response should be “She’s close enough to perfect for me.”) Anyway I thought I may as well warn you now other than later. I don’t know where you are right now or who you’re with, but I do know and mildly enjoy the fact that you are currently with the wrong woman and you are or have been looking for love in all the wrong places, or else, you would have already found me. The fact is by the time you read this; you probably will have realized that I am the totally awesome, only crazy one for you. Please remember that regardless of what mistakes you make today, when we are together, they will already be the past and our future will lie before us.

                Here are a few things you should know for your sanity:

1.       A sense of humor must be present

2.       I am always right, even when I’m wrong, I’m still right

3.       Once we are married, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is… yep, still mine

4.       I am never moody or complain too much; everyone else is simply stupid.

5.       When you finally are awakened to just how insane your wife is, remember who married her.

Now, onto a more serious note, I want you to know that I pray for you constantly. I may not know who you are or what you look like, but I do. I pray that God is making you the man He wants you to be and the man I and our family will NEED you to be. I pray that you have been saving yourself for me or that God has convicted you and you are now. I pray that you are happy and if you are going through a trial, that God would reach down and give you enough strength to just take another step.  I pray that there is still a little nudge inside you to continue looking for the one God has made just for you. I pray you have enough heartache, so that you will truly know what love is when we are finally together. I am also praying that we don’t meet in some incredibly awkward or embarrassing situation. And although I don’t care what you look like, I would like for you to be a little taller than me (trust me, it’s not that hard) lol.

I pray for me too. I pray that God will make me what He needs me to be and that, in turn, will make me what you need me to be. I have made my share of mistakes and Lord knows, I am flawed, but the cool thing is, you will love me despite all of that.  When I get heartbroken, it makes me a little happier, because I know when you get here; I’ll know a little bit more about how to love. And you will be able to take all the broken pieces and fit them together with the broken pieces of your heart.

I know that you don’t know me, or if you do, we are just not aware of the significance of our future relationship. You are out there somewhere; unless, of course, you are a missionary in outer space trying to convert the aliens... anyway, I am still waiting. Along with this letter is attached a list of things that you should know, love, or force yourself to get used to ;) :

·         Prayer- it will be the basis of which we build our friendship, relationship, and       

                    eventually marriage and household upon

·         Friendship- I want you to be my best friend in whom I can confide. “His mouth is 

                          most sweet; yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my 

                          friend…” (Song of Solomon 5:16)

·         Books- I love to read except for when I am under the oppressive slavery bonds of 

             college English/Literature courses where I am forced to read or die or much

             worse… fail!!

·         MUSIC- music surrounds me constantly! It is so much a part of me! I cannot possibly 

              explain to you the importance of this to me. I will sing constantly and if 

               there is a piano or guitar present, I WILL PLAY IT AND YOU WILL LOVE IT! ;)

·         People- I am a HUGE people person. I feel a burden to reach the lost of this world, 

                    and if you’re the man I pray you are, you will too.

·         Children- We MUST break the family curse by having at least 1 girl and 1 boy.

·         Humor- Please know who you are marrying before you say “I DO” without humor, 

                     this will never work

·         Myra- Once you meet her, you will understand. When you think she’s a little nuts, 

                  you should understand that that was your wife’s doing.

·         Love- I put this last not because it is the least important but because it is the most. I

           put it last because I want to be the last thing you see and remember and     

          WHEN, not if, our lives get crazy and backwards it will be the first. With the 

           love of God and our love for one another, there is nothing we can’t face. 

           “Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the flood drown it. If a man 

           would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be   

           contemned.” (Song of Solomon 8:7)

So my dear (insert your name here), I am here patiently waiting and am extremely excited to meet the man that plans to bravely face a future with me!! J

With Love,

Brittany Kate J

Not Enough to Compromise

So here lately I've been goin through somethings: worryin about the way I look, focusing on how others view me. I've been concerned about why I don't have a boyfriend, and all my friends do. I 've comprmised things because I thought they would make a difference... they didn't. So I've come to this conclusion that I learned several years ago and never really put into action. I am an Apostolic young lady, I believe in modesty, saving sex and sexual activites until marriage, homosexuality is wrong, speaking the Word of God with boldness is not only ok, but it is vital to my life and the life of others, and many other things and all of that is ok! I don't need to change what I believe or compromise the standards that have so vitally impacted my life. I have made a major decision... I am goin to live my life the way God wants me to. I will stay single as long as He wants me to and not only will I do it, I will do it happily, enjoyin every moment. I am a strong, beautiful, independent child of God and until I learn how to see through the eyes of God and see myself the way He sees me; I will never be happy with someone else (even if they tell me I'm beautiful). Don't get me wrong, people that uplift me are important, but I'm not going to compromise ANYTHING I believe to keep them. If they are dumb enough to walk out of my life, I am smart enought to let them. My salvation is too precious for me to compromise just to keep a few friends.

Paper I did for English

This was a paper I did for English and since this is my blog and it is indeed called "CONFESSIONS of an Apostolic Jesus Freak", this paper should explain my confession... I hate raceism and inequality! Enjoy! =)

Brittany Owens

Professor Susanna Coleman

English 1020: The South

9 April 2012

Interracial Relationships: The South’s Touchiest Subject

            So after a title like that, I know what you are thinking, this girl must be crazy for talking about that. Well my goal after writing this paper is to persuade readers that the way Southern society views this subject is an issue. I conducted a simple survey with the following questions to evaluate the opinion of Southerners on this issue: 1) Do you find girls/guys from different races attractive? 2) Would you date/marry a man/woman from another race while living in the South? 3) Would you have bi-racial children with him/her in the South? 4) Would you keep your interracial relationship private or expose it? 5) Does your family have a problem with interracial relationships? 6) Do your friends have an issue with interracial relationships? 7) If you were interracially married, would you continue living in the South or move to another location? 8) Do people have a problem with interracial couples in your surrounding area? 9) Do you think it's better being in an interracial relationship or a same-race relationship in the South? 10) Do you feel like you are looked at differently due to living in the South when in a relationship with someone from another ethnicity? 11) How would you say society views interracial dating in the South? 12) Would you say that the way society views interracial dating is an issue? and 13) If so, how would you propose we fix this problem? 16 out of the 20 interviewed viewed the way this issue is viewed as an issue. I would like to explain a few reasons why I believe this is an issue; because not only have I seen the destruction society can have on these couples, I am no stranger to the hateful comments, sly remarks, and looks of disgust that comes with interracial relationships. It is no secret that interracial dating is an issue in the South; however, it should not be. I will, however, examine both sides of the argument. We are all God’s children, there are little differences between us, other than skin color, and there are no justifiable reasons to view couples who interracially date differently.

            Ok, so let us view the opposition and I will insert my beliefs after we have addressed their concerns. Cara Redford, an advocate for interracial relationships, brought up an interesting thought, saying, “Some people may see [the relationship] as betrayal against their ‘own kind’.”  However with us all being God’s children, this should not matter. Southerners live in what is considered “The Bible Belt”, why then do we have such prejudice against those who try to simply love those of another ethnicity? But this is not a new issue; because, “Moses, who is of the Hebrew tribe of Levi” (Exodus 2:1-2) “married a woman names Zipporah” (Exodus 2:21) but “Moses own family was against this union because Zipporah was an Ethiopian from the land of Midian” (Numbers 12:21). Through this union, Moses was not struck down by God nor did he lose the calling of God on his life. Ashley Yates, an advocate against “mixed” relationships, says this, “God created them to mate with their own kind.” However, at the “tower of Babel, all men were one kind, it was after their unification that God struck down man and made them disperse into every corner of the world” (Genesis 11:1-9). If God would have wanted us to all “Mate with our own kind”, there would be only one color race out there. Lynette McEndarfer, an advocate for interracial relationships put it this way, “You’ve never seen something that God didn’t mean to be together come out beautiful; however, you’ve never seen an ugly mixed baby… never. It’s the same with flowers that are integrated; they make the most beautiful flowers.” Kayla Trick, an advocate for a change of views, but one against racial dating, “it is against my morals”. I believe many people have the same objective with morals as that. This comes from the verse in II Corinthians that says, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers." (II Corinthians 6:14); however they often times skip the last word which clearly reads “unbelievers”. This means those who do not have a relationship with God, not those of a different ethnicity. God does not see color when all are covered by His blood as Colossians 3:11 states, “Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all.”

            Tamera O’Brien, a person rejecting interracial relationships said this, “Society [in the South] views it as nasty or dirty.” My question is what is so dirty about two people in love? It is no different than when their parents fell in love. When one examines this world and all its differences, they will notice the people. But, when removed from our skin what are we? We all have hearts, minds, muscles, bones, blood, and similar anatomy. Isaac Carree, a popular black gospel artists, said it like this, “I’m just like you, if you cut me, I’m gonna bleed. I’ve got wants just as well as I’ve got needs. I’ve been hungry and I’ve had no food to eat. I’ve been knocked down as soon as I got on my feet.” We all have the same desires: to be successful, provide for a family, have a little extra money, and we have all felt the pain of losing a loved one. We all need to be loved and feel loved. We are not different. We are all human beings. I am not asking people to go date giraffes, antelope, or monkeys; I am simply asking everyone to see people as they are- people, just like them. So they have a different skin color, back ground, family life, so what? As long as you are not unequally yoked, we all deserve to be happy and have a chance in this world to love someone and have them love us in return; “regardless the race…” (Patricia Ford). Rebekah Butler put it this way when ask if she would marry someone of another race, “If I loved them and they treated me better than someone my race.” Zora Hurston said it like this:

“I feel like a brown bag of miscellany propped against a wall. Against a wall in company with other bags, white, red and yellow. Pour out the contents, and there is discovered a jumble of small things priceless and worthless… On the ground before you is the jumble it held--so much like the jumble in the bags, could they be emptied, that all might be dumped in a single heap and the bags refilled without altering the content of any greatly. A bit of colored glass more or less would not matter…” (Hurston, 920).

Patricia also had this to say about why the Southern states view it as such a problem, “It’s like they are stuck in ‘the olden days’.” This statement is true given the history of the South and the way this issue still remains a touchy spot for those questioned about it, but why? This has been a question I have searched the answer to time and time again. There are no good reasons to give that would be a sufficient answer. When ask a question about why the South looked down upon interracial relationships, not one person surveyed was definitely sure of an answer. This is 21^st Century and it is time we started acting as such. There is no race that is beneath another, nor one race that is better than the others.

After completing the survey it seems that people tend to be one way or the other. They are either completely ok with racial dating, or they absolutely disagree with it. I sought out the answers to this simple question, “Why do people in the South have such a huge deal with interracial dating?” and set out to persuade those against it why it should not be an issue. After carefully examining both sides, my opinion on the subject remains unaltered- interracial dating should not be an issue because we are all God’s children, none of us are really that different, and there are not any good reasons why would should not mix together if we so choose to do so. And if we do choose to do so, we should not be penalized or looked down on for making said decision.

The Dream

This is not from my WAC notebook, but rather a poem that I heard at NAYC in 2009 that has really changed me:

I want to tell you a story about me, about how I used to be.

I was on a mission. I was gonna be a go getter. I was gonna cross paths not even crossable; Tom Cruise had nothing on me. I was gonna be a go getter, a trend setter. I was gonna be better, look better, act better.

 I thought I could pray more, say more, seize the day more.

 I thought I could sing higher or dress flyer.

 I mean, I had to be the best; everyone had to know I was great. I wasn’t gonna be lumped in with all the rest.

 I thought I could impress the Father and please the people by looking just right and worshiping the steeple.

I thought I had to be perfect to earn my way to Christ and punish myself for all the mistakes I had made; but inside I was frustrated, I was confused and I was afraid.

 Until one strange and beautiful night when what was dark in my life, suddenly became bright.

I dreamt a dream that evening that cast vision before me. It awakened me from my deepest of sleeps and it started me on a journey.

I dreamt that He- well I should explain who He is, the one who flung the stars into being and keeps me breathing, Son of man, Jesus Christ- fully God, yet He became human being-

I dreamt that He stood beside my bed and beckoned me out. He told me He was going to explain life to me and tell me what it was all about.

I was afraid of my creator standing before His creation. I thought I was being punked and I looked around for Ashton.

But before I could scream, He took me swiftly into His arms, and what I felt there, I knew could do me no harm.

And we flew over oceans and mountains and skyscrapers. Over people of every color and every kind, over people with desperate souls, violated bodies, and troubled minds- we flew over America.

 Where people were searching for truth and striving for perfection. They were chasing celebrity status and running after reality TV affection.

And then, we zoomed in with a lens He called Love, and I began to see things that I had tried not to see, things I had never dreamed of.

I saw third-world countries, children cursed by genocide and by war. Their mothers were crying, banging at the church door!

The Lord took me across rivers and through the glass of the lens; I began to see strange and dangerous things unfolding before me.

I saw people howling, they were mutilating themselves- practicing witchcraft. And I felt the sting of darkness, though we continued down the path.

They were worshiping and sacrificing for Lucifer, the prince and the power of the air. And I felt the sting of conviction as I thought of myself making a spectacle of church, spending hours on Facebook, curling my hair.

Though I was beginning to feel sick, my Lord led me on and showed me what seemed like every horrible human story. People with goals and with dreams, who lost wars with drugs and fell from glory.

I begged the Lord to take me home; I’d had all that I could take. My heart rested in my throat and my knees began to shake.

But no, “No,” he said quietly and when I looked at Him, I saw the clearest picture of compassion, for my Lord was weeping for His children; and I knew then that He loved them with such fierce passion.

He told me that He had to show me more, and so I agreed, though I was shaken to my very core.

But He took me back to an image of years ago in time when a man was hung to die who had committed no crime.

I saw Him naked, bleeding, trying to carry a tree, down a path that shaped and formed my destiny.

I saw the crowd excited for His death, and yet I saw the pain and passion in His every agonizing breath.

This was so terrible yet so deeply beautiful of a picture, I asked my Lord what He was showing me, “Dear Lord, what?!? What is this picture of?!?” But He said, “My sweet child, this is the raw depiction of my flawless love.

 And what you feel now, child, as you view it, is the burden of responsibility now that you have seen as I see.” 

Then, He showed me a girl, struggling with life, trying to conform to formula and mold, but she was horribly confused and her heart had grown cold.

She was trying to look and act just right by practicing empty ritual, devoid of any light.

“She’s desperate,” I said, “She’s tormented by her own head. Doesn’t she see that works without faith are dead?”

And then the Lord smiled, He said, “Indeed, she needs help.” But when He lifted that lens again, I saw that that empty soul was myself.

He said, “My child, you’re tainted by apathetic culture and you’re ruined by its trends, and so I’ve shown everything I’ve shown you tonight through this love lens.”

He said, “You could be the change in it all through music, through art, but I’ve shown you yourself, because it all must start with a transformation of your wicked, wicked heart.” 

And then I cried out with conviction, said “Lord, I realized that I was desperate for something, but I was searching for You in vanity, teaching and preaching the gospel of me, myself, and I, but I was drowning in my fickle humanity.

Now I realize, everything that I try to be, all I try to say, and all I try to do, it’s nothing, nothing compared to the love that I found in You.”

But then I asked puzzled, “Lord, though I’m beginning to understand the love You breathe, there are still questions with answers that I need.”

I said, “Lord, if You really loved me, why did all of this happen in my life: Childhood abuse, sickness, and terrible strife?”

And then He answered me gently with wisdom and grace, while His nail scarred hands wiped tears away from my face.

He said “Child, my love is unconditional, but it is also unapologetic, for what you have reaped with the tears in my hands, the same you are going to reap in glory.”

He said, “There is a price that comes with my love. Words and empty deeds will never be enough.”

 And that’s when I realized that all this talk of love and grace; it wasn’t just a simple game for sissies, but to really know Christ, and to see as He sees.

Now I learn daily that there is no truth outside of the love Christ has for me. Nothing made clearer than what is written in John 3:16.

And though, I keep smudging up this glass that I try to look through, I know it will all be made clear to me some day when I do finally see You.

And I will know as You’ve known me so intimately, and see in full how You orchestrated my life so perfectly.

But until then, I will let my heart bleed like Yours for every single soul that passes by the church doors-

 whether rich or poor or broken, or battered. I’ll let Your light shine through me to heal every soul that is shattered.

And as You’ve shown Your gently grace to me, I will extend it to others, regardless of what the cost may be.

And I’ll come before Your throne with a song and a dance because You’ve given me chance upon chance, upon chance.

And Lord, I promise to tell this world about salvations plan and lead them all to the heart of this Savior of man.

This should be something to get us all thinking... there are no words that I could add to this, because this says it all! =)
God Bless!

The Battle We Fight

Ok, so for the last few months of college, I've been keeping a WAC notebook that must contain 70 entries. Any of you that know me, know that this Apostolic chick usually has to incorporate something "spiritual" into it! Well I turned in the notebook at the end of the curriculum and my professor loved it! The next few entries will be a few from my notebook! =) enjoy!

   The Battle We Fight
   I sat down a while back and thought about how upset I got when things didn't or doesn't go my way.
   How many times have we heard Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." ? My question is how often do we think about this when someone cuts us off in traffic, or starts a rumor about us? Our battle is not with these people as individuals, but the spirit behind these actions. I am just as much at fault as any one else and that is a pride issue.
   There is nothing the enemy can do that God does not allow, but how we respond to those things, tells God everything He needs to know. Sometimes God sends things just to check our spirits.
   Our prayer instead of "O Lord, let them have a flat tire, so they can get outta my way" or "Lord, control my hands before I knock em out" should be "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
   Sometimes it is we, ourselves that are in need of a change instead of the ones around us.