Taking Back My Voice

You can be amazing, turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you could start speaking up

Nothing's gonna hurt you the ways the words do when they settle in your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight, sometimes the shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
With what you wanna say and let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you brave

Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down by the enemy
Falling for the feeling that you're disappearing- bow down to the mighty
Don't run and stop holding your tongue

Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live, maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me, How big your brave is!

And since your history of silence won't do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be everything but empty ,
Why don't you tell them the truth?
-Sara Bareilles

The meaning of this song really hit me one night as I lay crying in my room. I had try to do everything I could to help everyone else, and lost myself in the process. I withheld my own thoughts, feelings, opinions because I thought they would hurt, offend, or even push further the ones I was so desperately trying to help. However, I realised, I'm just as important and I deserve to be happy.
Me silencing myself caused me to enter a time of depression where I thought, "I have no voice. I'm alone," and what's worse, "I deserve it." The Bible says that we are more than conquerors. We don't have to settle for the lies of satan.
To borrow the line to another popular song, " I am a child of the One, True, King!" God loves me and has given me power. I will not allow anyone o anything to take my voice again. because "these are the voices, these are the lies and I have believed them for the very last time!" I don't care who or what it is, if they want to walk away or I lose it, regardless, "We'll be a shouting generation!" and "We won't be shaken!"
I apologize for the secular songs, but they have made me realize what I had forgotten.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath, scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I'd sit quietly, agree politely
I guess that I fogot I had a choice, let you push me passed the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything.

You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice? You hear that sound? Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down but I got up, get ready cause I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire cause I am a champion
And you're gonna hear me roar!
Louder!   Louder than the lion cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar!!

Now I'm floating like a butterfly, stinging like a bee that's earned my stripes
I went from zero to my own hero!

You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice? You hear that sound? Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down but I got up, get ready cause I've had enough
I  see it all, I see it now

I GOT THE EYE OF THE TIGER, A FIGHTER, DANCING THROUGH THE FIRE CAUSE I AM A CHAMPION AND YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ME ROAR! LOUDER! LOUDER THAN THE LION CAUSE I AM A CHAMPION AND YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ME ROAR!

Beauty in the Breaking

Beauty in the

Breaking

This was written a few weeks ago, so I figure I'll go ahead and publish it...

So these past few weeks have not been the easiest. I’ve faced some old demons, lost a great friend, and had some rather difficult decisions to make. In the midst of the insanity, I was able to attend the state-wide ladies’ retreat. What a tremendous blessing! I heard this song for the first time that ministered to me on a level I had forgotten could be reached. It touched me in a place I thought I had hidden and buried forever. God began to change and remake something in me. He renewed a place in my heart and gave me back a desire and a love I thought I had lost.

You Are For Me

So faithful, so constant, so loving and so true,

So powerful in all You do.

You fill me, You see me, You know my every move.

You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me! I know that You are for me!

I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness and

I know that You have come down even if to write upon my heart

to remind me who You are.

So patient, so gracious, so merciful and true,

so wonderful in all you do.

You fill me and You see me! You know my every move and

You love for me to sing to You, Lord!

I know that You are for me! I know that You are for me!

I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness!

I know that You have come down even if to write upon my heart

to remind me that

I know that You are for me! I know that You are for me!

I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness and

I know that you have come down even if to write upon my heart

to remind me who You are!

I had forgotten the love that God had for me. I was so lost and so broken. For those that know me, you know how hard of a place this is for me. I felt so lost in the cares and the decisions of this life, that I forgot that God is for me. He knows my weakness and my imperfections, yet He is so faithful, constant, loving, true, powerful, so patient, gracious, so merciful, so knowing, and even when I didn’t deserve it, He reached His hand out and extend mercy. He is constantly reminding me who He is! He is the God that defeated death, the God that created everything that is by a simple word. He holds the waters in the span of His hand. When the enemy comes in like a flood, He’s the God that rides upon the waters. He will not let me drown.

          A few weeks ago, I was able to go to the beach with a few friends and as we walked up the beach, I started to pick up seashells. I noticed that one of my friends was looking intently across the beach- searching. I ask her what she was looking for and she simply replied, “Some whole ones.” I smiled and continued looking. As I looked down, I realized that I hadn’t picked up a single whole shell, but rather broken pieces, each shaped and ragged by the sea that threw them up onto the sand. Each piece contained a different beauty, somehow unique when compared to the others. I began to think about how these shells were a perfect representation of me. It takes a special quality to see the beauty in brokenness. Somehow, God does it every day. He sees the waves that come and crash upon me, somehow chiseling away yet another piece of me. In the end, I may be something that was broken, but I will be different and beautiful.

          I’m reminded of the Potter’s wheel. When a potter wants to change a vessel, He will put it into the fire Himself and melt or even break the clay to restore it to the molding position. My prayer has changed from just “God make me what You need me to be” to “Not only make me what You want me to be, but also never let me become so hard hearted, and so strong in my own will, that I will not allow myself to be put back in the heat, broken, and back on the Potter’s wheel to be fixed and remolded.”

          This song had ministered to me on several occasions, because the words hold such a strong truth to many of the situations I’ve faced. In these dark places, God has simply wrapped me in His arms and held me and said, “Through it all, I’ll be here.”

Through It All

Can I write a song for You when I’m feeling blue, when I’m down and no one’s there?

Or compose a melody that’s in the key of love when no one cares?

Or can I smile; can I smile when it’s not always worth my while?

Can I trust in You when I’m going through in the middle of my trial?

This is what He says…

“And through it all, through all the hurt and all the pain that does surround you and through it all, and through it all, I will be there.

Just call my name and I’ll be right there to wrap my loving arms around you and through it all and through it all, I will be there.”

See but it’s so much easier said than done, to trust You even hard times come.

But when my faith begins to fail, I can hear Your voice say,

“I’m here to catch you when you fall, I’ll be right here.

When there’s no way out and you need a miracle, I’ll be right here.

And even when You walk away from me, through it all, I’ll never leave you…

And through it all, through all the hurt and all the pain that does surround you and through it all, and through it all, I will be there.

Just call my name and I’ll be right there to wrap my loving arms around you and through it all and through it all, I will be there.”

“When you can’t find the faith, been hurt so many times that your heart won’t stop breaking and you’ve been praying for a brighter day, when you’ve been feeling like your prayers are not enough, don’t throw in the towel and don’t you dare give up, no! Square your shoulders, hold your head up, learn to trust in Me, cause I’ll be right there through it all!!”

So when you can’t fight the pain and the heartache and you feel like your prayers are not enough

and you can’t find the strength to make it through the day,

look up for all your help comes from above.

The Wreck

This blog may be so long that I have to divide it in into two. I’ve been meaning to post about this for a while.

On Monday, October 29, I was in a pretty bad car wreck. A guy a couple cars in front of me slammed on breaks with no turning signal and tried to turn. The guy behind him swerved into the lane beside us to keep from hitting him and, when he realized he was going to hit someone in that lane, swerved back into our lane and slammed on breaks. The guy in front of me stopped only a few centimeters from his car, but by this time, there was nothing I could do. I gripped the steering wheel and slammed on breaks as hard as I could.

The first thing I thought about was those bumper cars that you see at the carnivals. Every once in a while, you’ll see one of those crazy kids that hit someone so hard, they send them flying across the floor. After I hit him, I thought I had busted my eardrums because all I could hear was an extremely loud ringing in my ears. I couldn’t breathe because of the smoke ejected from the air bag. The guy from the car I hit was pulling my door open because I hadn’t gotten out and was checking on me. Once I got out, I looked realized just how much damage was done. The front of the car was completely smashed in and my seatbelt was broke, not to mention the airbag had hit me in the chest.

This wreck showed just how much God was watching out for me. I walked away from it with just a bruised thumb and a bruise from the seatbelt. Here’s the miracle, I had been driving without my seatbelt on, I know, I’m dumb, but about two miles before I had the wreck, something told me to put it on. So I stopped on the side of the road, untwisted it, and put it on. Then I had the wreck. Not only that, but I know that God has His hand on me because I looked at the tracks my seat was setting on and they had slid back an extra foot. Had they not, the air bag would have come out and hit me right in the face.

The next Sunday, I was singing on the platform and we were singing “Look What Has the Lord has Done” and I began to think about all the things that had transpired during that week. God could have taken me out of this world at any moment that week. Tomorrow isn’t promised. I needed to worship like I may never get the opportunity to worship again. God spared me and He deserves the praise for that. Then I thought, how many times I forget to simply stop and say “thank you, Lord, for keeping Your hand on me and my loved ones.” There are so many people all over the world, that their relatives won’t be coming home, or won’t be coming home themselves.

I want to make sure that I’m ready to go when God calls me and this was just what it took to begin the shaking that took place to get me ready. I wasn’t when the wreck occurred, but I believe God allows certain things to transpire in our lives to bring us to our knees.

F******ness

This will be a short blog... 

 

                We all know this little 11 letter word that we love to force at others when we wrong them, hate to have it pointed at us when they wrong us, and hard to implicate when it concerns ourselves... FORGIVENESS.

 

Let me start by saying, I am the furthest thing from perfect and I mess up... A LOT! I don't have the best approach on things or the best timing when it comes down to it. I struggle as does everyone and can only do my best to keep my head above water.

 

I would like to apologize to anyone I have hurt or upset along the way. I may not apologize for what I said, but rather how I said it. Others, I apologize how I handled the situation entirely.

 

I will not force you to forgive me, but let me say this: I will forgive myself for what has happened and I will forgive you because I was not all at fault. Do not expect me to wallow around and beg for your forgiveness. Once I have done what God has commanded me to do, I am finished. God forgave me and that is the most important thing. If you are dumb enough to walk out of my life, I am smart enough to let you. 

 

                I love you all, but we must forgive as God forgave us: forgive ourselves and others, what they do beyond that is up to them and they will have to answer to God for their decisions.

A Letter to a Brave Man

So my friend Myra and I decided to write a letter to our future spouses which is exactly what I have planned to do.  This will have some serious moments but it will also have some funny moments too. So here goes:

Dear Future Husband/ Father of Our Children/ The Most Patient Man in the World,

                I know your response right now is one of two things: 1- Wow, she finally noticed I’m the one for her or 2- Sheesh! This crazy girl is already writing me a letter and she doesn’t even know me yet.

                Let me start by saying this, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a handful. I’m not perfect, nor am I the skinniest or the prettiest girl in the whole world… (Your response should be “She’s close enough to perfect for me.”) Anyway I thought I may as well warn you now other than later. I don’t know where you are right now or who you’re with, but I do know and mildly enjoy the fact that you are currently with the wrong woman and you are or have been looking for love in all the wrong places, or else, you would have already found me. The fact is by the time you read this; you probably will have realized that I am the totally awesome, only crazy one for you. Please remember that regardless of what mistakes you make today, when we are together, they will already be the past and our future will lie before us.

                Here are a few things you should know for your sanity:

1.       A sense of humor must be present

2.       I am always right, even when I’m wrong, I’m still right

3.       Once we are married, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is… yep, still mine

4.       I am never moody or complain too much; everyone else is simply stupid.

5.       When you finally are awakened to just how insane your wife is, remember who married her.

Now, onto a more serious note, I want you to know that I pray for you constantly. I may not know who you are or what you look like, but I do. I pray that God is making you the man He wants you to be and the man I and our family will NEED you to be. I pray that you have been saving yourself for me or that God has convicted you and you are now. I pray that you are happy and if you are going through a trial, that God would reach down and give you enough strength to just take another step.  I pray that there is still a little nudge inside you to continue looking for the one God has made just for you. I pray you have enough heartache, so that you will truly know what love is when we are finally together. I am also praying that we don’t meet in some incredibly awkward or embarrassing situation. And although I don’t care what you look like, I would like for you to be a little taller than me (trust me, it’s not that hard) lol.

I pray for me too. I pray that God will make me what He needs me to be and that, in turn, will make me what you need me to be. I have made my share of mistakes and Lord knows, I am flawed, but the cool thing is, you will love me despite all of that.  When I get heartbroken, it makes me a little happier, because I know when you get here; I’ll know a little bit more about how to love. And you will be able to take all the broken pieces and fit them together with the broken pieces of your heart.

I know that you don’t know me, or if you do, we are just not aware of the significance of our future relationship. You are out there somewhere; unless, of course, you are a missionary in outer space trying to convert the aliens... anyway, I am still waiting. Along with this letter is attached a list of things that you should know, love, or force yourself to get used to ;) :

·         Prayer- it will be the basis of which we build our friendship, relationship, and       

                    eventually marriage and household upon

·         Friendship- I want you to be my best friend in whom I can confide. “His mouth is 

                          most sweet; yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my 

                          friend…” (Song of Solomon 5:16)

·         Books- I love to read except for when I am under the oppressive slavery bonds of 

             college English/Literature courses where I am forced to read or die or much

             worse… fail!!

·         MUSIC- music surrounds me constantly! It is so much a part of me! I cannot possibly 

              explain to you the importance of this to me. I will sing constantly and if 

               there is a piano or guitar present, I WILL PLAY IT AND YOU WILL LOVE IT! ;)

·         People- I am a HUGE people person. I feel a burden to reach the lost of this world, 

                    and if you’re the man I pray you are, you will too.

·         Children- We MUST break the family curse by having at least 1 girl and 1 boy.

·         Humor- Please know who you are marrying before you say “I DO” without humor, 

                     this will never work

·         Myra- Once you meet her, you will understand. When you think she’s a little nuts, 

                  you should understand that that was your wife’s doing.

·         Love- I put this last not because it is the least important but because it is the most. I

           put it last because I want to be the last thing you see and remember and     

          WHEN, not if, our lives get crazy and backwards it will be the first. With the 

           love of God and our love for one another, there is nothing we can’t face. 

           “Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the flood drown it. If a man 

           would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be   

           contemned.” (Song of Solomon 8:7)

So my dear (insert your name here), I am here patiently waiting and am extremely excited to meet the man that plans to bravely face a future with me!! J

With Love,

Brittany Kate J

Not Enough to Compromise

So here lately I've been goin through somethings: worryin about the way I look, focusing on how others view me. I've been concerned about why I don't have a boyfriend, and all my friends do. I 've comprmised things because I thought they would make a difference... they didn't. So I've come to this conclusion that I learned several years ago and never really put into action. I am an Apostolic young lady, I believe in modesty, saving sex and sexual activites until marriage, homosexuality is wrong, speaking the Word of God with boldness is not only ok, but it is vital to my life and the life of others, and many other things and all of that is ok! I don't need to change what I believe or compromise the standards that have so vitally impacted my life. I have made a major decision... I am goin to live my life the way God wants me to. I will stay single as long as He wants me to and not only will I do it, I will do it happily, enjoyin every moment. I am a strong, beautiful, independent child of God and until I learn how to see through the eyes of God and see myself the way He sees me; I will never be happy with someone else (even if they tell me I'm beautiful). Don't get me wrong, people that uplift me are important, but I'm not going to compromise ANYTHING I believe to keep them. If they are dumb enough to walk out of my life, I am smart enought to let them. My salvation is too precious for me to compromise just to keep a few friends.

Paper I did for English

This was a paper I did for English and since this is my blog and it is indeed called "CONFESSIONS of an Apostolic Jesus Freak", this paper should explain my confession... I hate raceism and inequality! Enjoy! =)

Brittany Owens

Professor Susanna Coleman

English 1020: The South

9 April 2012

Interracial Relationships: The South’s Touchiest Subject

            So after a title like that, I know what you are thinking, this girl must be crazy for talking about that. Well my goal after writing this paper is to persuade readers that the way Southern society views this subject is an issue. I conducted a simple survey with the following questions to evaluate the opinion of Southerners on this issue: 1) Do you find girls/guys from different races attractive? 2) Would you date/marry a man/woman from another race while living in the South? 3) Would you have bi-racial children with him/her in the South? 4) Would you keep your interracial relationship private or expose it? 5) Does your family have a problem with interracial relationships? 6) Do your friends have an issue with interracial relationships? 7) If you were interracially married, would you continue living in the South or move to another location? 8) Do people have a problem with interracial couples in your surrounding area? 9) Do you think it's better being in an interracial relationship or a same-race relationship in the South? 10) Do you feel like you are looked at differently due to living in the South when in a relationship with someone from another ethnicity? 11) How would you say society views interracial dating in the South? 12) Would you say that the way society views interracial dating is an issue? and 13) If so, how would you propose we fix this problem? 16 out of the 20 interviewed viewed the way this issue is viewed as an issue. I would like to explain a few reasons why I believe this is an issue; because not only have I seen the destruction society can have on these couples, I am no stranger to the hateful comments, sly remarks, and looks of disgust that comes with interracial relationships. It is no secret that interracial dating is an issue in the South; however, it should not be. I will, however, examine both sides of the argument. We are all God’s children, there are little differences between us, other than skin color, and there are no justifiable reasons to view couples who interracially date differently.

            Ok, so let us view the opposition and I will insert my beliefs after we have addressed their concerns. Cara Redford, an advocate for interracial relationships, brought up an interesting thought, saying, “Some people may see [the relationship] as betrayal against their ‘own kind’.”  However with us all being God’s children, this should not matter. Southerners live in what is considered “The Bible Belt”, why then do we have such prejudice against those who try to simply love those of another ethnicity? But this is not a new issue; because, “Moses, who is of the Hebrew tribe of Levi” (Exodus 2:1-2) “married a woman names Zipporah” (Exodus 2:21) but “Moses own family was against this union because Zipporah was an Ethiopian from the land of Midian” (Numbers 12:21). Through this union, Moses was not struck down by God nor did he lose the calling of God on his life. Ashley Yates, an advocate against “mixed” relationships, says this, “God created them to mate with their own kind.” However, at the “tower of Babel, all men were one kind, it was after their unification that God struck down man and made them disperse into every corner of the world” (Genesis 11:1-9). If God would have wanted us to all “Mate with our own kind”, there would be only one color race out there. Lynette McEndarfer, an advocate for interracial relationships put it this way, “You’ve never seen something that God didn’t mean to be together come out beautiful; however, you’ve never seen an ugly mixed baby… never. It’s the same with flowers that are integrated; they make the most beautiful flowers.” Kayla Trick, an advocate for a change of views, but one against racial dating, “it is against my morals”. I believe many people have the same objective with morals as that. This comes from the verse in II Corinthians that says, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers." (II Corinthians 6:14); however they often times skip the last word which clearly reads “unbelievers”. This means those who do not have a relationship with God, not those of a different ethnicity. God does not see color when all are covered by His blood as Colossians 3:11 states, “Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all.”

            Tamera O’Brien, a person rejecting interracial relationships said this, “Society [in the South] views it as nasty or dirty.” My question is what is so dirty about two people in love? It is no different than when their parents fell in love. When one examines this world and all its differences, they will notice the people. But, when removed from our skin what are we? We all have hearts, minds, muscles, bones, blood, and similar anatomy. Isaac Carree, a popular black gospel artists, said it like this, “I’m just like you, if you cut me, I’m gonna bleed. I’ve got wants just as well as I’ve got needs. I’ve been hungry and I’ve had no food to eat. I’ve been knocked down as soon as I got on my feet.” We all have the same desires: to be successful, provide for a family, have a little extra money, and we have all felt the pain of losing a loved one. We all need to be loved and feel loved. We are not different. We are all human beings. I am not asking people to go date giraffes, antelope, or monkeys; I am simply asking everyone to see people as they are- people, just like them. So they have a different skin color, back ground, family life, so what? As long as you are not unequally yoked, we all deserve to be happy and have a chance in this world to love someone and have them love us in return; “regardless the race…” (Patricia Ford). Rebekah Butler put it this way when ask if she would marry someone of another race, “If I loved them and they treated me better than someone my race.” Zora Hurston said it like this:

“I feel like a brown bag of miscellany propped against a wall. Against a wall in company with other bags, white, red and yellow. Pour out the contents, and there is discovered a jumble of small things priceless and worthless… On the ground before you is the jumble it held--so much like the jumble in the bags, could they be emptied, that all might be dumped in a single heap and the bags refilled without altering the content of any greatly. A bit of colored glass more or less would not matter…” (Hurston, 920).

Patricia also had this to say about why the Southern states view it as such a problem, “It’s like they are stuck in ‘the olden days’.” This statement is true given the history of the South and the way this issue still remains a touchy spot for those questioned about it, but why? This has been a question I have searched the answer to time and time again. There are no good reasons to give that would be a sufficient answer. When ask a question about why the South looked down upon interracial relationships, not one person surveyed was definitely sure of an answer. This is 21^st Century and it is time we started acting as such. There is no race that is beneath another, nor one race that is better than the others.

After completing the survey it seems that people tend to be one way or the other. They are either completely ok with racial dating, or they absolutely disagree with it. I sought out the answers to this simple question, “Why do people in the South have such a huge deal with interracial dating?” and set out to persuade those against it why it should not be an issue. After carefully examining both sides, my opinion on the subject remains unaltered- interracial dating should not be an issue because we are all God’s children, none of us are really that different, and there are not any good reasons why would should not mix together if we so choose to do so. And if we do choose to do so, we should not be penalized or looked down on for making said decision.

The Dream

This is not from my WAC notebook, but rather a poem that I heard at NAYC in 2009 that has really changed me:

I want to tell you a story about me, about how I used to be.

I was on a mission. I was gonna be a go getter. I was gonna cross paths not even crossable; Tom Cruise had nothing on me. I was gonna be a go getter, a trend setter. I was gonna be better, look better, act better.

 I thought I could pray more, say more, seize the day more.

 I thought I could sing higher or dress flyer.

 I mean, I had to be the best; everyone had to know I was great. I wasn’t gonna be lumped in with all the rest.

 I thought I could impress the Father and please the people by looking just right and worshiping the steeple.

I thought I had to be perfect to earn my way to Christ and punish myself for all the mistakes I had made; but inside I was frustrated, I was confused and I was afraid.

 Until one strange and beautiful night when what was dark in my life, suddenly became bright.

I dreamt a dream that evening that cast vision before me. It awakened me from my deepest of sleeps and it started me on a journey.

I dreamt that He- well I should explain who He is, the one who flung the stars into being and keeps me breathing, Son of man, Jesus Christ- fully God, yet He became human being-

I dreamt that He stood beside my bed and beckoned me out. He told me He was going to explain life to me and tell me what it was all about.

I was afraid of my creator standing before His creation. I thought I was being punked and I looked around for Ashton.

But before I could scream, He took me swiftly into His arms, and what I felt there, I knew could do me no harm.

And we flew over oceans and mountains and skyscrapers. Over people of every color and every kind, over people with desperate souls, violated bodies, and troubled minds- we flew over America.

 Where people were searching for truth and striving for perfection. They were chasing celebrity status and running after reality TV affection.

And then, we zoomed in with a lens He called Love, and I began to see things that I had tried not to see, things I had never dreamed of.

I saw third-world countries, children cursed by genocide and by war. Their mothers were crying, banging at the church door!

The Lord took me across rivers and through the glass of the lens; I began to see strange and dangerous things unfolding before me.

I saw people howling, they were mutilating themselves- practicing witchcraft. And I felt the sting of darkness, though we continued down the path.

They were worshiping and sacrificing for Lucifer, the prince and the power of the air. And I felt the sting of conviction as I thought of myself making a spectacle of church, spending hours on Facebook, curling my hair.

Though I was beginning to feel sick, my Lord led me on and showed me what seemed like every horrible human story. People with goals and with dreams, who lost wars with drugs and fell from glory.

I begged the Lord to take me home; I’d had all that I could take. My heart rested in my throat and my knees began to shake.

But no, “No,” he said quietly and when I looked at Him, I saw the clearest picture of compassion, for my Lord was weeping for His children; and I knew then that He loved them with such fierce passion.

He told me that He had to show me more, and so I agreed, though I was shaken to my very core.

But He took me back to an image of years ago in time when a man was hung to die who had committed no crime.

I saw Him naked, bleeding, trying to carry a tree, down a path that shaped and formed my destiny.

I saw the crowd excited for His death, and yet I saw the pain and passion in His every agonizing breath.

This was so terrible yet so deeply beautiful of a picture, I asked my Lord what He was showing me, “Dear Lord, what?!? What is this picture of?!?” But He said, “My sweet child, this is the raw depiction of my flawless love.

 And what you feel now, child, as you view it, is the burden of responsibility now that you have seen as I see.” 

Then, He showed me a girl, struggling with life, trying to conform to formula and mold, but she was horribly confused and her heart had grown cold.

She was trying to look and act just right by practicing empty ritual, devoid of any light.

“She’s desperate,” I said, “She’s tormented by her own head. Doesn’t she see that works without faith are dead?”

And then the Lord smiled, He said, “Indeed, she needs help.” But when He lifted that lens again, I saw that that empty soul was myself.

He said, “My child, you’re tainted by apathetic culture and you’re ruined by its trends, and so I’ve shown everything I’ve shown you tonight through this love lens.”

He said, “You could be the change in it all through music, through art, but I’ve shown you yourself, because it all must start with a transformation of your wicked, wicked heart.” 

And then I cried out with conviction, said “Lord, I realized that I was desperate for something, but I was searching for You in vanity, teaching and preaching the gospel of me, myself, and I, but I was drowning in my fickle humanity.

Now I realize, everything that I try to be, all I try to say, and all I try to do, it’s nothing, nothing compared to the love that I found in You.”

But then I asked puzzled, “Lord, though I’m beginning to understand the love You breathe, there are still questions with answers that I need.”

I said, “Lord, if You really loved me, why did all of this happen in my life: Childhood abuse, sickness, and terrible strife?”

And then He answered me gently with wisdom and grace, while His nail scarred hands wiped tears away from my face.

He said “Child, my love is unconditional, but it is also unapologetic, for what you have reaped with the tears in my hands, the same you are going to reap in glory.”

He said, “There is a price that comes with my love. Words and empty deeds will never be enough.”

 And that’s when I realized that all this talk of love and grace; it wasn’t just a simple game for sissies, but to really know Christ, and to see as He sees.

Now I learn daily that there is no truth outside of the love Christ has for me. Nothing made clearer than what is written in John 3:16.

And though, I keep smudging up this glass that I try to look through, I know it will all be made clear to me some day when I do finally see You.

And I will know as You’ve known me so intimately, and see in full how You orchestrated my life so perfectly.

But until then, I will let my heart bleed like Yours for every single soul that passes by the church doors-

 whether rich or poor or broken, or battered. I’ll let Your light shine through me to heal every soul that is shattered.

And as You’ve shown Your gently grace to me, I will extend it to others, regardless of what the cost may be.

And I’ll come before Your throne with a song and a dance because You’ve given me chance upon chance, upon chance.

And Lord, I promise to tell this world about salvations plan and lead them all to the heart of this Savior of man.

This should be something to get us all thinking... there are no words that I could add to this, because this says it all! =)
God Bless!

The Battle We Fight

Ok, so for the last few months of college, I've been keeping a WAC notebook that must contain 70 entries. Any of you that know me, know that this Apostolic chick usually has to incorporate something "spiritual" into it! Well I turned in the notebook at the end of the curriculum and my professor loved it! The next few entries will be a few from my notebook! =) enjoy!

   The Battle We Fight
   I sat down a while back and thought about how upset I got when things didn't or doesn't go my way.
   How many times have we heard Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." ? My question is how often do we think about this when someone cuts us off in traffic, or starts a rumor about us? Our battle is not with these people as individuals, but the spirit behind these actions. I am just as much at fault as any one else and that is a pride issue.
   There is nothing the enemy can do that God does not allow, but how we respond to those things, tells God everything He needs to know. Sometimes God sends things just to check our spirits.
   Our prayer instead of "O Lord, let them have a flat tire, so they can get outta my way" or "Lord, control my hands before I knock em out" should be "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
   Sometimes it is we, ourselves that are in need of a change instead of the ones around us.

FALLEN COMRADES~ STRUCK DOWN BUT NOT DESTROYED

I know not many deep thoughts come from the young lady we all know as Brittany Kate Owens, but with the help of the Lord, I'm gonna try to relay what He has laid on my heart!!!!



I wonder if the United States treated thier wounded the way the church did, if we would even be the United States???

    In the United States Army, if a camrade falls beside a partner, in most cases, they will be picked up and carried to safety. Why? Because those warriors understand they are all fighting for the same purpose... my ? is, why is this concept so often forgotten in the church?
   Why when we see someone fall spiritually, we assume they are dead?? If I'm not mistaken, the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in dispair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down but not destroyed;" It also says WE not they, not I, but WE which means WE are in this thing together! When it says "cast down but not destoryed;" it is still refering to WE, which tells me, We are all going to fall at some point but it's the grace of God that allows us to get back up or God that allows someone to reach us!  
   In so many instances, when someone slips out of church, we get so caught up in the battle, we don't even realize our fallen comrade, or if we do, we simply move on. Our brothers and sisters are fighting the same battle we are, so why do we constantly leave them if/when they fall behind and in some instances, we are the ones who stick a foot out in front them and trip them up??? The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 9:11 "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all." Time and chance happen to us all, but we have to be willing to get back and help up our fallen warriors and keep going so that we may finish this race. A great friend of mine wrote this concerning the people we see, "Do we see a hungry soul, or do we see a person with old clothes and a dingy smell? Do we see a terrified mind seeking refuge, or do we see a tattooed youth with a troubling facade?" This can be anyone, and in either case, whether it be a sinner that has never heard of God or a fallen brother or sister that is looking for someone to reach out a hand.
   I have several friends who have backslid or are not where they need to be in God, and God is still looking for someone to reach out a hand, pick them up, dust them off, put the sword back in their hand and continue to fight by thier side!!! We can not afford to leave our fallen brothers and sisters!!!!!! We also cannot be the ones who kick them when they're down (gossiping about them, pointing out their faults [btw, we're not perfect either], ignoring them, walking away from them), but we need to pick them up and yes, sumtimes, we will have to carry them. Yes, I'm just as guilty as the next person, but it's time for us to WAKE UP... there is a real world out there that is dying and we want to go reach them, and leave our own warriors (some that can probably reach the ppl you cant) on the battlefield wounded. This is just a thought, but what's going to happen to the new souls we reach if they fall and we wouldn't even go back to pick up the ones who have been fighting before them?!?

It's time to wake up guys!!!!!!!!!!!

Those same brothers and sisters that are laying on the ground are waiting for someone to help them!!! They may be the very ones who have to pick you up and carry you when  you fall down yourself. If you don't pick them up, whose going to pick you up??? We're all fighting the same enemy, he just uses different tactics on all of us.
   1 Chronicles says 16:22 "Saying, Touch not mine anointed and do my prophets no harm." So let me be quick to say this, just because a fellow comrade falls, be careful how quick you rise up against them, because if they are anointed, you may be the one who is danger.
   God has commanded each and every one of us and is preparing us to fight. Psalm18:34 says "He teacheth my hands to war, so that the bow of steal is broken in my arms." Psalm 144:1 "Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:"
   2 Corinthians 10:4 "(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds;)" So many times our comrades are fighting spiritual battles with carnal minds, and they dont understand the difference. This is where intercessory comes into play. If we are going to effectively intercede for our fellow warriors, we can't be the ones to turn a blind eye and act like we didn't see them fall. (That's just was the enemy wants) The intercessors must also know the difference- for spiritual battles can not be fought in the carnal mind and we as warriors have got to get into the spiritual mindset in order to pray the way we need to for our fallen borthers and sisters so that strongholds over them may be broken.        
   Psalm 18:39"For thou hast girded me with strength unto the battle: thou hast subdued under me those that rose up against me." God has already promised victory in the battle. Sometimes in my own life I have told friends that I feel like God is giving me just enough strength to take one more step. I have no right to use that strength to pass by one of my fallen brothers and sisters. God has promised strength in the battle. Psalm 140:7 "O GOD the Lord, the strength of my salvation, thou hast covered my head in the day of battle." We, as children of the most high God, will recieve strength but also posses a covering over us. We are all equal which means that same covering and strength you have over you, your fellow warrior beside you has as well. Who knows if that extra bit of strength we get, was just enough to pick up the fallen one beside us and carry them for a ways.   
   Prov 21:31 "The horse is prepared against the day of battle: but safety is of the Lord." Psalm 127:4-5 "As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate." This gives us power. The enemy may come and knock us and our fellow warrios to our knees, but God has given us power over the enemy... not just over them but to power to act like nothing is wrong even when they are at our doorsteps.
   Micah 7:8 says, "Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me."
   In closing, we are all going to fall sometimes, because we are all fighting the same enemy, it's what we do when we fall, and what we do when our brothers and sisters fall. We can't pretend like nothing happen, because they have souls to reach just like we do!

"Now I'm A Little Bit Stronger....."

As even a child I struggled with insecurities. At a young age, I was diagnosed with Lupus.The immune system is designed to attack foreign substances in the body. If you have lupus, something goes wrong with your immune system and it attacks healthy cells and tissues. This can damage many parts of the body such as the:

• Joints
• Skin
• Kidneys
• Heart
• Lungs
• Blood vessels
• Brain.

My hair fell out in clumps, I had something called a "butterfly rash", mouth ulcers, chest pain, fevers, and always felt tired. We ended up cutting my hair to try and solve the bald spots, it helped very little. Any of you that know about Lupus know that this disease is incurable, which meant I would have to live with the bald spots, rash, etc. But I'm here to delare to you how good my God is! I went to church one Sunday before my normal trip to Birminham, which I was usually taking once every week. My church family began to pray for me and the healing power of God swept over me! We went to the dr the next day, and you guessed it, no Lupus! The dr wanted to continue to run tests, but my God is a God of completion, He never does anything half way. I am glad to say, I have been and will continue to be Lupus free!! After being able to fully understand my Lupus, I have vowed NEVER to cut my hair, no matter what. (Any that know me, know that I don't plan on cutting it any way, due to my decision to live for God and be holy.) Later on many other things began to occur, and I was put on steroids, which has effected my entire life from then on out, but my God is still worthy of praise!!
God has continued to work through out my life!!!!!! He's amazing!!! He continues to work and show himself strong every single day!
A couple years ago, I went through a very difficult time in my life, I thought noone would understand so I didn' say anything or open up to anyone. Suicide became a very scary and real option for me, and if I didn't do that, I had made the decision to no longer live for God. It was camp time and I had to decided to go the morning of camp, so I got up and packed. I knew at that point in my life, there was no where else to go but up. I went to camp and struggled with God all week until Thursday night when Bro Tim Zuniga preached "Take a Hint from a Cheerio". I had ask God if He could hear me, would He prove it and in the middle of his message, Bro Zuniga came over to me and laid his hands on me. God broke every chain of depression and anything else that had me bound. I then truly knew what it was like to sing "No more shackles, no more chains, no more bondage, I AM FREE!!!"
Within the next 2 years, I lost 3 very good friends! Suzette- she died in a house fire and I had talked to her the night before abt my birthday party. David Salinas- my best friend in the world! I talked to him every single day! We were at his birthday party when he drowned. They flew him Birmingham where we stayed everyday until God called him home. Nate Cooper- was involved in an accident involving someone from my school and after being in the hospital for a while, God called him home as well!
These were very rough times, but as hard as it was for me, I can only imagine what it was like for those who didn't have the great support system I had! If it weren't for my God, friends (Devon Colley, Myra Boulware, Aubree Dean, April Thrasher, and MANY more) and family, I would be insane! But through it all, I can look back and see how God has kept my mind!
These last 2 years have been full of learning! Learning to trust God, lean on God, and give everything to him.
He has given me relationships to teach me valuable things in life. I have been put through the ringer, which once again Devon, Myra, Christina, Andrea and Stephen have been there every time! God has continued to bless me and test me!
I am fixing to start college next week and look forward to al the things God has for me!!! I only hope I can help others as much as God and the people He has placed in my life has helped me! I will not quit until I have reached the prize that lies ahead!!!!!

Fire From Off the Alter and Being the Light

Fire From Off the Alter by Aaron Bounds (Teen Session- Friday)
Leviticus 9:24 (²⁴And there came a fire out from before the LORD, and consumed upon the altar the burnt offering and the fat: which when all the people saw, they shouted, and fell on their faces.)
Matthew 3:11 (¹¹I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance. but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire:)
I wanna be the one used by God, that is my passion. Passion will turn to purpose. God will give me the power to do what He has called me to do!
Power will result from the burnt sacrifice in my life. I will have to sacrifice for the high calling of God in my life. Passion for the lost souls of my city will be birthed from an alter. We are here to reach the lost and dying of this world, so I must have a passion for the lost!
Romans 12:1-2 (¹I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
 ²And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.)
Until I begin to put myself and my time on the alter for God, fire from Heaven will not fall.
The alter of the old days was designed to carry and to move, so should out fire be. It needs to be carried to a place of purpose.

Being the Light by Paul Pamer (General Session: Friday)
Genisis 1:3 (³And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.)
God had a solution to the darkness! Light is always the answer to the darkness!
John 1:1 (¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.)
John 1:4-5 (⁴In him was life; and the life was the light of men.
 ⁵And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.)
John 1:14 (¹⁴And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth.)
God robed Himself and flesh and became the light of the world. That same light lives and shines today.
Matthew 5:14 (¹⁴Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.)
I am the light in this dark world. I am the solution to my problem.
There are 3 attributes of light:

1. Light eliminates darkness. Darkness- the absence of light. Darkness only exist when light allows it.
2. Light always has to be moving. The moment it stops moving, it ceases to be light. Mark 16:15 (¹⁵And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.) As the light of the world, we must keep moving to reach them.
3. Light is the transfer of energy. Acts 2:2-4 (²And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting.  ³And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them.
    ⁴And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.) I need a transfer of energy/refilling of the Holy Ghost every single day!!!

Misplaced Lamentation and A GENERATION OF GIANTS

These are the messages from Wednesday at NAYC!!! My fav is "A Generation of Giants"
Misplaced Lamentation by Jason Staten (General Session: Thursday)
Judges 11:30-40 (³⁰And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,
 ³¹Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.
 ³²So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands.
 ³³And he smote them from Aroer, even till thou come to Minnith, even twenty cities, and unto the plain of the vineyards, with a very great slaughter. Thus the children of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel.
 ³⁴And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter.
 ³⁵And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back.
 ³⁶And she said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the LORD, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth; forasmuch as the LORD hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies, even of the children of Ammon.
 ³⁷And she said unto her father, Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows.
 ³⁸And he said, Go. And he sent her away for two months: and she went with her companions, and bewailed her virginity upon the mountains.
 ³⁹And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. And it was a custom in Israel,
 ⁴⁰That the daughters of Israel went yearly to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in a year.)


Lamentation- expression of sorrow or grief. Lamentaions are biblical- to everything there is a season.
There are some things I will have to hold onto through my lamenting- faith, hope, things God ha ask me to keep. We have to be sure; however, that we are not lamenting the wrong thing.
Jephthah's daughter (that's all she is referred to, she's never given another identity) was lamenting over her virginity and her purity. I believe that should she have went up in the mount and lamented before God for her life, she would have been spared, like Isaac. God thought human sacrifices were an unacceptable.
We do not need to lament our seperation! Holiness is not something we need to lament. So, we don't look like the world, that's fine... WE'RE SUPPOSED TO!! I don't lament that I am different. Holiness is beautiful!!
Jephtha's daughter lamentes her consecrated living, we can't do that! That is our worship!!!! We can't say one thing and feel another way, this world is looking for something that's real! This is the best hour to be Apostolic!!! We must be soul'd out! Now i not the time to try and fit in, but it's time to rise up and be bold!!!!


A GENERATION OF GIANTS by Jimmy Toney (Night Session: Thursday)
Ephesians 4:11-16 (¹¹And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;
 ¹²For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:
 ¹³Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:
 ¹⁴That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;
 ¹⁵But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:
 ¹⁶From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.)
Numbers 13:33 (³³And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.)
Just because there are more out in the world and we see them as bigger than us, that don't make us the grasshoppers! WE ARE GIANTS!!!!!!
1 John 4:1-4 (
 ¹Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.
 ²Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God:
 ³And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world.
 ⁴Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.)
Verse 4: Greater- bigger/larger, World- cosmos
That means that the God of Heaven and Earth. The God that is so big that the cosmos can not contain Him; Heaven is His throne and Earth is His footstool- He is inside of me!!!
When I got the Holy Ghost, it was the genisis of me becoming a giant!!! No weapon formed against me shall prosper!!
The Japanese commander who ordered the attacks said this of the United States after the attacks ended. " "I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve." Let is be said of this generation that all satan has done is awaken a sleeping giant and filled us with resolve.
One Holy Ghost filled young person has more power than all of hell put together!!!!
Luke 11:21-22 (²¹When a strong man armed keepeth his palace, his goods are in peace:
 ²²But when a stronger than he shall come upon him, and overcome him, he taketh from him all his armour wherein he trusted, and divideth his spoils.)
The strong man is satan, the stronger man is the KING of KINGS and the LORD of LORDS, JESUS!!! The strong man has to yield to the stronger man!!
There are 4 things to becoming/being a giant:

1. Respect the ministry
2. You have to know God
3. You can't be tossed with every doctrine- We have to be grounded. (Holiness is a doctrine and a lifestyle, not jus a standard)
4. Become the smallest, when you become humble, that is when God will begin to make you the largest.